My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Perfectionism….that word is beating in my head like the sound of a drum that will not stop. It has been three weeks since I have written a post. Those have been three weeks of struggle. Each day that passed where I felt I was getting further away from my goals of improving my health, strengthening my walk with God, and continuing this blog….it seemed less and less likely that I would continue to pursue my dream. It’s funny how quickly I can slide down into the depths of giving up. However, always in the back of my mind were the posts I had already written and the progress I had been making with my physical health. There are a number of people in the fitness and life coach arena that I follow online and one of their posts has stuck with me – Stop Starting Over. If you are persistent and continue to move forward, no matter how slowly, you will not lose the progress you have already made and you will stop starting over, and over, and over. Each time I have stopped and started over I have become more and more defeated and more doubtful of my ability to finish the race set before me. There is only one end state for this type of thinking – failure to accomplish.
In these three weeks I have continued to exercise, maybe not daily, but not at any point did I completely give up. My eating habits definitely are not something I am proud of right now but I am not giving up. I have not had steady devotional time but I am not giving up. I AM NOT GIVING UP! I know that God is with me and I KNOW that the voice I hear in my head pushing me, encouraging me, driving me forward no matter how many days I stumble and fall, is HIS voice. I have stumbled, tripped, and skinned my knees but I will not quit.
Perfectionism. We cannot wait for the conditions to be perfect for us to begin. I heard it best described in a Beth Moore sermon: Ready, Set. Ready, Set. Ready, Set. Where is the Go?! I know I am guilty of waiting for everything to be perfect before I am willing to move forward with something. God does not expect us to be perfect and God does not expect us to know everything. That is His job. I have a dream to start my own business. In the pursuit of that dream, my habit of perfectionism has kept me from pursuing this dream much sooner. I look at others and look at where they are both in their walk with God, their finances, their happiness, and their support system. What I have realized is that I cannot compare my Step 1 to someone else’s Step 5, 10, or 100. Each of us is on our own journey and we should not compare it to anyone else’s journey. And we should never lead someone who is just beginning to believe that we ourselves started out at Z and skipped A through Y.
This leads me back to my quest to understand my purpose and continuing my transformation.
What does God really want from me? What gifts am I to be using? I will not find those answers by obsessing over someone else’s journey and wanting what they have and at times experiencing envy. Those things will not get me to where God wants me to be. Transformation of myself does not begin with desiring someone else’s journey. Transformation begins when I recognize and acknowledge that there is one way to achieve the success I am meant to have, and success is not defined by monetary wealth, and the one way is seeking God’s guidance for my own journey and the life God has planned for me and with which he has blessed me. My transformation begins with being grateful for who I am, just as God has made me. I was not meant to be anyone else but myself. Remembering to be grateful for that every day allows me to appreciate who I am – to love myself – flaws and all.
My hope for you is that you love yourself, that when you look at yourself in the mirror every day you can say I may not be perfect but I am perfect in God’s eyes. Never give up on yourself and never give up on whatever dream it is you have. May we all encourage and inspire one another.
You are special. You are loved. You are beautiful just as you are – perfectly imperfect.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, You are there; If I make my bed in the depths, You are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.