So my mind has been swimming with thoughts since my first post. Initially I was excited to finally be taking action on something that had been on my heart for a very long time. But as the hours passed, the excitement turned to fear and I was questioning this whole idea of writing a blog. I felt the old familiar feeling of doubt creeping into my mind, feeling not good enough, feeling that I would be judged by others, that I have nothing of significance to say to the world, that I don’t really have time to devote to this. Slowly I felt a shadow looking to replace my joy and heard a voice in my head trying to talk me out of doing something I had been extremely excited about not 24 hours earlier. In the past I would have allowed that shadow to overcome me, to give in and to question everything about myself, believing once again that maybe I really was just a failure.
Things are definitely different these days. Instead of allowing these feelings to consume me, I looked at my daily devotional and thumbed through some cards on which I had written some bible verses. I was looking for something, I’m not sure what it was, a sign maybe? Sometimes I think I expect God to just hand me something, to just show up and put it right in front of me….I expect it but yet at the same time I doubt it will happen. What kind of faith is that? I believe God never doubts me and my potential but why am I unable to consistently reciprocate? In choosing not to give in but instead to do my best to focus, to look, to make my small attempt to find something….anything….God definitely sent me a message. Up until a few years ago, I’m not sure I would have seen what He was showing me. It is not always easy to see what God is putting in front of me, what He is trying to tell me, but I am learning. I am ever so slowly improving my skills on how to look, where to look, and most of all just making the effort to look. It’s amazing what great reward we can be given through just a small amount of effort on our part.
What I found this time was a bible verse that kept showing up. I saw it recently in my daily devotional. I saw it in the book The Daniel Plan that I had started reading. I saw it on cards where I had been writing bible verses…twice (apparently it was significant enough that I had written it on two different cards). I saw it in a daily devotional in my email, one that I had not been reading lately but happened to open today. And because sometimes we just do not get God’s subtleties….he led me back to the two cards and on one of them I had written….”Are you listening?” I thought….okay Lord….you have my attention.
Most days I think God is in the subtleties of life…the quiet moments. Some days I believe He has to knock us over the head.